This week’s Power Betting Lines will take a brief backseat to a heartfelt, sincere congratulations on behalf of everyone in “The Best and Greatest Fantasy Football League” to Big Lunch on his recent achievement of winning his first “Bromo.”
The home field advantage will not be enough for C.Nat to overcome a surging Moke Squad. After starting 1-7, Miki’s Mokes belted off wins in the next six of their seven games to barely miss the playoffs. Since the clock struck midnight a few hours early on their fairytale, they have their sights set on choosing their position in the next draft. But the real story is this bullshit projection of 142.95 points for Brazzaville. Dak is slumping and one game against a battered WFT defense is not enough to prove to people that he’s back 100%. Amari Cooper saw lots of targets last week but that was just to shut him up about his lack of looks. Kamara, though facing the Panthers, will be the only true offensive threat for the Saints and will most likely get locked down. It’s possible that they break 100 but we’ll have to see.
Niners R Country Music Released In The Past 3 Years @ Sweet Baby Jesus
Everything is falling into place for NRM just in time for his third place showdown with SBJ, from favorable matchups to his opponent’s numerous trips to the hospital to get updates from doctors on his players. “The Chuys”, as CJax’s team’s Hispanic fan base calls the team (you may have to be of Mexican descent to get that joke), has suffered injuries to key players and now have less hope than they do projected points. With a huge money bet on the line, the Son of the Christian God is whipping his team like the Romans did him during the Passion. This polarizing Jackson versus Kadubec matchup has a rivalry feel to it except they’re not competing for much except to hold up the Champion’s testicles like underwear.
Z’Smashmouths @ Jake & Elwood Blues
THE CHAMPIONSHIP COMES DOWN TO THIS. WHO WILL TAKE HOME THE TROPHY!? ALL CLAIMS TO BRAGGER LAND ARE SETTLED IN THIS COURT!
Honestly, I think the Kirk Cousins news hurts Z more than anything else. The Packers will probably run and not put too much pressure on Rodgers to make throws or even be in the backfield. Look for the first team offense for Green Bay to get the second half off, no matter what happens.
J&E players have more on the line as almost every one is on a team that has something, depending on how you look at it, at stake. Even if the Packers offense takes the game off, they will still hand it off to Aaron Jones more than Rodgers passes.
Doesn’t seem like the stars are aligning for the Smashies in this matchup of perennial contenders. A shame too! Both teams on the same trajectory would have been a great opportunity to compulsively check our phones.
Juarez Gafe (-5) @ Blind Squirrels
O/U – Both teams have to be above 8th place for me to actually think about this
The newly-minted Cuidad Juarez Gafe (“The Blunder of the City of Jaurez” for non-Spanish speakers) head to the Big Acorn to face the Blind Squirrels in what appears to be a battle for the bottom. Lots of pride at stake and not much else. Several things have to go right for the Squirrels to stay ahead of the Blunders in the standings. Is this Congo Natty’s chance to get back to the jungle?
Land Urchins (-10) @ Jake & Elwood Blues
O/U 325 (Ben accounts for 70% of that)
This matchup is going to be a lot closer than people suspect. Or it won’t. We’ll either have a blowout or a tight one but either way Ben “Daddy Newsie” Leon stays in first with a win. Despite being on home ground at St. Helen of the Blessed Shroud Orphanage, Sister Mary Stigmata is going to have to have her ruler ready to discipline her team. Without Aaron Jones, the Blues Brothers will not be able to overcome the bull that is “The Delivery Route”.
Sweet Baby Jesus @ Just Win Baby aka “Homer Squad LV” (-4)
Fresh off a near loss, Just Win is primed to disappoint the home crowd just like the effing Vegas Raiders last weekend. But we’re not bitter. We’re just going to hope we’re wrong in our spread and that Jesus is into murder despite all accounts suggesting he turns the other cheek as a pacifist. Well, I’d like to beat something with someone else’ belt after JWB eeked out a win last week against the Roughnecks. Anyway, I don’t think there’s enough in the donation basket for SBJ to get past the Fighting Joes.
Big Lunch @ Miki’s Mokes (-5)
O/U – Neither team is above 8th place so pbbbblffffft
“The Buffet” is giving out free meals because they don’t have any beef, ligaments, hamstrings, or unseparated shoulders. Injuries have Black Plague’d Big Lunch and the Mokes are going to pounce. Taco Bell is offering a free chalupa for every time Patrick Mahomies (Hasbro Collection out soon as soon as the ink is dry on the endorsement contract) drops a TD score with a receiver being covered by Trevon Diggs in the KC / Dallas game. Be ready to eat. There’s also a special interest group on Facebook that Miki shares with her fantasy QB, “Children of a Pat”. It’s a jumping group and they post pics with their fathers from what’s being reported.
Niners R Metal (-3) @ Z’Smashmouths
O/U – 210
Fools are going to get lit up in this matchup … but not on the field. There will be widespread disappointment by both teams as their players will fail to meet most of their projections. Coaches will be berating, haters will be hating. Assuming most of their starters play, it’ll be a war of attrition in Smash Land for both teams. This game was moved to the Sunday night prime time slot because of playoff implications. The heavy reliance on the Packers offense, with A-A-novax suffering an oblique injury could cost the Smashies. Niners R 90’s R&B have a more predictable lineup and should edge this one out.
El Paso Roughnecks @ Kali Kine (-8)
O/U – 252.5
Herb’s Forest will be fertilized by the salty tears of the ‘Necks. The crushing last minute loss for the Roughnecks last week will have a carryover effect and there isn’t much they can do about it. Gambling on the Bills WRs has got them nothing but disappointment so they’ll try to find a new way to let themselves down. It’s going to be a cakewalk for the Kine and they will smoke phat bluntz in celebration while they’ll only have cheap cigarillos in El Paso after Monday night.
Brazzaville Congo Natty @ Jake & Elwood Blues
(1:00 PM PST Sunday, FOX)
BCN by 15
Clearly far and away the best team in the league with nothing to hold them back from winning out except injury, the CNats are looking to blow away any team that can’t post 150+ points a week. Led by the Cowboys QB Dak Freaking Prescott, the Natties offense has as many options as the United States military has weapons. We already hear the “We Are The Champions” song by Queen being played during practice. For the Blues Bros., a disappointing loss last week was highlighted by Kittle’s lower-than-expected targets and we could see that trend persist in the Niners 2-QB offense. With more favorable opponents for key players, this could be closer than the line suggests. Expect an exciting Sunday with lots of discipline at Saint Helen of the Blessed Shroud Orphanage.
Sweet Baby Jesus @ Kali Kine
(1:00 PM PST Sunday, CBS)
Kali Kine by 3
Herb’s Forest welcomes a motley crew of Disciples with no word of any Judas brother in their midst. Will Peter, aka Derek Henry, or Paul, given name Travis Kelce, burn this protected land down? Justin Herbert received some good news when DeMarcus Lawrence of the Dallas Cowboys defensive line broke his foot in practice but will still have to contend with limited possession time. The Kine’s wide receivers are going to score more than their projections most likely and their RBs should see plenty of carries and opportunities to score. SBJ just barely broke the century mark last week with some piss poor choices and the retention of the KC defense inspires little faith in their decision making going forward. One more nail in the cross awaits them this week is the final verdict from this Pointus Pilate.
Miki’s Mokes @ Z’Smashmouths
(4:00 PM PST Sunday, TUDN)
Our second broadcast en Espanol, graciously provided by our compas at Telemundo, features two teams that snagged wins in their first games.
With the loss of Jeudy, the Mokes are starting to dig into their depth and their matchups aren’t as favorable as the Z’Smashmouths’. The Packers offense is going to absolutely roll over the Detroit Lions and we could see their starters pulled early for the second game in a row but for a completely different reason. The strength of the Mokes RB core will have to pull this out as the Smashmouths look far better at WR. Will the home crowd play a role in this? Sources in Z Land say that fans are confused by the multiple name changes of their team and are sad because they already donated their old jerseys. Hometown resentment could lead to empty stands. We’ll see on Sunday.
Big Lunch @ Blind Squirrels
(4:00 PM PST Sunday, MTV2)
Squirrels by 2
In order to reach a younger audience and generate interest in fantasy football, the league has slated a game on MTV2 and will be called by Jersey Shore alums Snookie and JWoww. What the two ladies of reality TV will see and do their best to describe will be a Squirrels offense with better matchups and point potential at multiple impact positions. Russell Wilson needs to slap on the apron again and roast that weak Titans defense for Big Lunch to compete and hope his receivers have a better day than last Sunday. But with the hometown “Nutjobs” making noise in “The Big Oak” up in Bend, Oregon, they should get a treat, or acorn in this case.
NINERS R METAL @ Just Win Baby
(7:15 PM PST Sunday, KOFY 20)
NRM by 4
This game was flexed to the evening game after being originally scheduled to take place in London. League officials recognized that the number two and number three teams in the league would be taking each other on and immediately had those boats in the Atlantic Ocean turn around. Since the return trip will not be able to disembark on land in time, we shall see our first ever game on an aircraft carrier that was detoured from its service off the western coasts of Africa.
There’s a reason why the Metalheads are stoked on their team and it’s because they are stacked from top to bottom with points machines at their skill positions. Their receivers are all top 10 and their RBs should roll through any defense the JWBs can place in front of them. Joe’s offense has some favorable matchups but there is absolutely no way Brady overcomes the talent deficit or finds the endzone often enough. Good luck though, we’d love to be wrong because NRM may only see problems winning this year against the Indomnible CNats.
El Paso Roughnecks @ Land Urchins
(6:00 PM PST Monday, Twitch TV)
Roughnecks by 8
Posting the lowest score of the young season, the Land Urchins surprisingly were unphased and didn’t feel the need to make many moves. The “Suck My Ditka” league front office has already deployed the Failure Patrol to pressure and intimidate Land Urchin management into improving their effort or face multiple degrading, belittling, dangerous, or mean-spirited punishments like standing on a freeway median with signs saying “I Hate Nicos”.
The blowout potential in this one prompted the league to broadcast this matchup on a streaming platform but viewers may think they’re watching an old school Tecmo bowl game and not a serious competition. A hometown crowd at Hedgehog Row, with mascot Sonic leading them on, will see their team for the first time and could provide enough spark to start a fire but that remains to be seen. Bettors should only realistically consider the Urchins once they break 100 points for the first time in their existence.
Disclaimer: The following odds are for entertainment purposes only. The National Council on Problem Gambling operates the National Problem Gambling Helpline Network (1-800-522-4700). The network is a single national access point to local resources for those seeking help for a gambling problem.
The off-season seemed particularly long this year as anticipation crescendoed into a chaotic and unpredictable ramp-up. A great start to the 2021 fantasy football season according to those with good seats and popcorn.
El Paso Roughnecks @ NINERS R METAL (1:00 PM PST Sunday, NBC) NRM favored by 7.5
The Roughnecks lineup has an uninformed gambling feel to it because of all the unfamiliar and untested faces in the locker room. Traveling to Talkie Town to take on the “Diamond Level”-managed home team will require more than just a few favorable matchups as Niners R Metal have just as many of those. Dalvin Cook should provide enough juice for the squeeze and the rest of the talent should carry the way. There is a chance Matthew Stafford, new to the offensive system in West Texas, can live up to the improved draft value but let’s not get too optimistic.
Big Lunch @ Brazzaville Congo Natty (1:00 PM PST Sunday, YouTube) Big Lunch favored by 1
The league’s first broadcast via the streaming giant YouTube will feature two teams with similar players at the positions and this would be an even matchup except for the Lunches sack their matchups. Their softer opponents add some weight to win expectancy but look for CNat’s San Francisco Defense-on-Detroit violence to draw some blood. If Dak doesn’t get put back in the ICU by the Tampa Bay defensive line, there could be a celebration in Brazzaville.
Miki’s Mokes @ Jake & Elwood Blues (1:00 PM PST Sunday, FOX) Jake & Elwood Blues favored by 2
There’s only one quarterback better than Josh Allen and that’s Patrick Mahones. Two athletic young bucks with great, accurate arms should light up the scoreboard down at Saint Helen of the Blessed Shroud Stadium in front of a home crowd of children and their strict stewards. But the reliance of the Mokes’ on the Bengals offense adds some uncertainty in projections for their ability to execute as Joe Burrow is coming back from a catastrophic leg injury. Denver hosting the offensive-line deficient Giants helps them a lot. The Blues Bros., perennial contender and fantasy titan in this league, may just barely get the points they need on Monday night as their Ravens defense will attempt to make a snack out of Derek Carr.
Sweet Baby Jesus @ Blind Squirrels (4:00 PM PST Sunday, Telemundo) Roy’s Favorite Son by 4
The Brothers Jackson are equally invested in young quarterbacks and Week 1 could determine their respective success for the rest of the season. The problem for the Son of God is if Keenan Allen has a big hand in helping his QB score points and almost counts as a hedge in this one. The running back cores for both teams look solid but the Squirrels need some big nuts out of Chubb and Harris in case Burrow has a rough day against the Vikings. Fun house mirrors sometimes make you resemble your sibling and I feel the same way about these two teams.
TTA @ Land Urchins (4:00 PM PST Sunday, ESPN 8 “The Ocho”) Visitoring Team by 4
Betting hard on the Green Bay Packers offense reminds people of the previous QB to WR1 league-winners like Brady to Moss or Ryan to Jones. It’s a great play and we’ll see how it works out but odds are … very well. The Land Urchins have a lot of different players on different teams with good matchups but there doesn’t seem to be an identity there. Lamar Jackson will run into the endzone almost as many as he’ll throw but he’ll also need those wide receivers to produce. If Ben “Daddy Newsie” can win this it will be because his running backs out-perform the opposing team’s.
Kali Kine @ Just Win Baby (5:30 PM PST Monday, Spike TV) Just Win Baby by 3.5
Unfortunately for the “Joes”, Saquon Barkley (no relation to Chuck unfortunately) will be limited in his touches so his projection is way too high and we anticipate Tom Brady handing off a lot in this one. Two members of the Raiders on your team disqualifies you from discussions of relevant fantasy team by some talking heads on the major networks but Kali Kline is not in Herb’s Forest this week. The Kine has tough matchups for both RBs, their QB, and their WR1. It’s hard to see the rest of their lineup making up the points. Again though, Just Win could be Just Be Mediocre.
Protests and populist uprisings in West Texas, organized on prominent social media platforms, immediately followed the Ninth Circuit’s decision to uphold the dismissal of El Paso Roughnecks v. Commissioner Mark Aaron Kadubec, a civil court case from the County of Santa Clara Superior Court.
Law enforcement officers from multiple agencies were brought in to ensure the peace at El Paso County administration buildings and the Chico’s Tacos on Alameda.
Despite an impassioned closing argument before the Ninth Circuit Judges, the federal court agreed that roster changes prior to the start of the season without Competition Committee review and approval did not constitute fraud, misrepresentation, or breach of fiduciary duty.
An Injured Reserved (IR) spot was added to every team’s roster, a unilateral action taken by the Commissioner prior to the 2020 Fantasy Football Season. The El Paso Roughnecks (EPRs) argued that there was not sufficient official notification of the rule change or enough effort made to explore and explain the impact of these changes.
In e-mail exchanges obtained, it was confirmed that the only solicitation of opinion on an extra IR slot was done so informally through a social media messaging application. The reasoning offered was to diminish the effects on professional sports by the COVID-19 pandemic that began in March 2020.
Attorneys for the El Paso Roughnecks claimed that the responses by a few team owners did not establish quorum, even if one of those owners was Nico Lopez. Additionally, counsel for the team stated damages to prestige through the “stain of the ‘Bromo’” due to actions falling under racketeering as defined in under 18 U.S. Code § 1084, “Transmission of wagering information,” were sustained at the time when the complaint was filed.
On this point, the Court ruled any owners who may have been provided knowledge about the impact of an additional IR slot did not hold a significant competitive advantage and thus did not constitute “racketeering.”
It agreed that the Commissioner in his role does have a fiduciary duty to the league owners. The promotion of the overall well-being of the league includes ensuring a fair competitive environment for the teams but Senior Circuit Judge Dorothy W. Nelson ruled Commissioner Kadubec did not breach that duty for personal gain as the balance of competition was not altered. All teams were playing under the same rules, Commissioner Kadubec’s team included.
But there was a significant conflict of interest as a change in rules initiated by the Commisioner without Competition Committee approval or sufficient notice according to the Court. “The precedent of rule changes and related modifications should be thoroughly reviewed by the owners” per a concurring opinion by Circuit Judge Paul J. Watford.
An arbitrator in the case offered that the league can take a vote of no confidence in the Commissioner as adequate remedy. The Ninth Circuit Court relied on that in its final ruling in sustaining the lower court’s decision.
A Charr recruit, young with a dark brown coat of fur highlighted by white stripes along his chin and brow, sized up the well-geared, straight-backed elementalist wearing a superior officer’s insignia on his right breast.
“Sir, it’s – how do I say in your dialect – rare … I think … that we see a Tactician along these routes. Between the Keep, along these Hills, and to the Ascalonians in their settleplace to the west, we do not require your experts.”
Eisen nodded politely and responded, “Do not think too hard on this, Recruit. And don’t suspect what is strapped on that dolyak’s back to be of any greater significance than the food and payment we take to them,” using gestures to clarify any gaps in language.
It was a courtesy from the Vigil, with their Asuran gate delivering reinforcements and supplies to the Orrian continent, to guard those routes and bring coin to the refugees who fed those far off soldiers. A portion of the raw meats and farmed goods that was cooked and prepared at Vigil Keep was returned to the Ascalonians in the middle of the Gendarran Fields. With bandits and centaurs everywhere in these lands, additional swords and staves were always welcomed by the Seraph.
Eisen of Zek, the latter part of his name identifying which Vigil regiment he belonged to, kept his eyes on the horizon as he walked slowly next to his assigned dolyak. The escort and carriage train made slow and steady gains on the road throughout the afternoon.
The ranking commander of the escort was a raven-haired human woman with the traditional centaur’s haircut, a braid of her topmost hair pony-tailing down her back with the sides and back of her head shaved clean. Scars lined her arms and she rode a chestnut stallion because of a permanent limp. War had claimed one of her feet.
“I appreciate you being among us but I share Recruit Soilmane’s curiosity. Do you have relatives in Ascalon?” asked the Crusader.
Eisen smiled but gave the distance ahead a wan look. He replied, “No, Crusader Vaughn, I do not have family in any city besides the ones I serve with during the course of my duty. The only brother I had died serving the Pact in Orr.”
“I’m sorry for your loss,” was her careful, delayed response.
Eisen’s sad, defeated look continued to cast its gaze out at the land before them. “The wrong man died that day. And the worst was yet to come,” he said.
Several Recruits had slowly came closer over the last few miles and he felt their interested looks as easily as he did the light rain on his skin. Eisen exhaled wearily and began:
“We grew up together within Salma in the Reach. Both of us were orphans. Whispers only of our time before memory and what happened to our families. Heavy centaur activity in the regions we were from. Maybe a new settlement that was raided fiercely by the Tamini and Harathi, with Modniir support, who laid claim to the area. Organized warriors are a scary thing.
Gavi was better at ‘Round Ball’ of course. Him the swordsman and me the … gifted. We played so joyfully with the quaggans at the Fountain, forgetting the daily sadness we sometimes suffered through. We often found mischief to chase that away.
Once we sneaked into Rook’s Row, wearing some clothes of the men for whom we did the washing over at the Vanguard Hospital. Without coin, we didn’t last long but Ol’ Hamming had no clue as to our lack of seasons. It was all Gavi’s swagger, his carry.
We did our duty to the Priests of Dwayna who raised us. We cleaned the Vanguard Hospital and helped however we could. We saw all the blood and pain not meant for a child’s eyes … but as Deacon Lans said, ‘Open eyes learn the world is not a safe place.’ A needed lesson in his mind, one most children skip.
It was there in that Hospital that Gavi promised a dying soldier he would join the Seraph and convinced me to do the same. We were ‘destined’ to defend good folk against the ‘Hooves’ as we once called the centaurs.
During our time at the Hospital, my awareness of magic grew. I found a weapon of my preference and filled the void with mage-training from the Priests. Gavi began his path with a blade as soon as he was allowed. He had picked up a lot from bedridden soldiers recovering in the sweaty, blood-stained cots.
We were recruited by the Seraph as soon as they learned of our background and interest. That we were trained already put us on the lines quicker than the others our age. Our education began in our mid-teens, still unseasoned by anything outside the gates of Divinity’s Reach.
Life as a Seraph was hard. We fought the Hooves – day in, day out – but rarely killing each other. Skirmishes where the slow and brave were culled. We patrolled around the edges of this current route and saw the glint and shine of those armored by the Vigil.
Gavi and I joined ‘Zek Company’ of the Vigil as soon as our contracts with the Seraph were fulfilled.
Only months in we were sent to Orr where we learned of thickly-caked blood, charred yet frozen flesh, the rot of the Risen’s breath, cold nights in fetid swamps, and the long, lonely marches to and from the frontlines of battle. This is where we became men and women. Our childhoods finished the day we landed on that once-sunk continent.
We lost a massive fight along the shore several months into our deployment, the attacking Risen wizards were unmatched in ferocity and malevolent energy. An Elder Dragon’s hatred crackled off their bodies. So many of our brothers and sisters that night were killed by the rusted, dulled, and soulless weapons of Risen infrantrymen.
Gavi fell, the determined and tremendous swordsman I had known my whole life, cut down by unthinking bones and corrupted bodies in the defense of his fellow Tyrians much like those that came before us. The ones that inspired him in hospital beds, bleeding in body and heart.
If that were the end of the tale, we could all raise our mugs and toast to his memory in the Keep. But I have more to share.
Before my grief could wane, we faced him during our retreat. So quickly had he joined the ranks of the undead I didn’t recognize him at first. Already his skin was sagging by the weight of undeath and took the pallor of the moon and soaking sea.
But Gavi’s sharp and motivated technique was there. His highly-skilled slashes took down many, especially those who hesitated to raise a defense. Some spoke later of being confused about why our own man had turned on us so insidious is the seed of the Risen.
Do not hold back against the fallen, Recruits. They are no longer who they once were. The brother or sister you knew is gone, their soul hopefully already in the Mists. If you do not return their fury, you will die by their rotting hands.”
Eisen of Zek felt the defeaning silence and knew all eyes were on his lips as he felt moisture covering his eyes. The tired soldier inhaled and breathed out slowly.
“Beat the Bandito!” by getting more correct picks than me or claim ‘asylum’ at the Border by picking all 15 games wrong.
If you successfully claim ‘asylum’, you will win $15 out of my damn pocket. Go hard in the wrong direction I always say!
Attempts at ‘asylum’ are free but limited to one.
Tiebreakers will be shared among contestants. You will be required to submit tiebreakers to enter this contest. Screenshots required and you will be on the hook for wagered moneys. Don’t say you’re going to drop me $10 via PayPal and then never do it. You’ll get 86’d from the Book.
Happy New Year to you all! Today is the final day of the 2020-2021
season in the NFL. As many of you know, there are several outstanding
bets and here they are:
Zach / Nico Cowboys don’t make the playoffs – $20
The outlook for this is not so good for the book as we have PHI
sitting most of their players and the Racialslurs get a number of
theirs back, including QB Alex Smith.
Herb / Nico Niners don’t make the playoffs – $10
Looks like Herbski owes on this …
Joe / Nico Giants (-110) win the NFC East – $20
There is no scenario where the Giants win the NFC East. Joe rode the
NFC Least Who’s Hot Wave at the wrong time.
For the rest of you, here’s the big bet:
Niners / Cowboys – BETTER SEASON in 2020
Mike $20 CJax $40 Mark $20 Zach $20 Shannon $20 New Joe $20
With the Cowboys favored originally by 2.5 points and the
turnover-prone Daniel Jones getting the start, it’s likely the Niners
are playing for a push on behalf of several team owners in this
league. The Niners are 7 point underdogs here in Santa Clara and I
will likely be outside Levi Stadium when the final second ticks off
the clock for that game.
Good luck today everyone! You’ll be directly notified of how to pay up if you’ve lost your bet.
I’ve got more than a hundred dollars spread out between multiple friends on whether the Cowboys have a better record than the Niners. After being so often accused of letting my Texas-based homerism / bias overwhelm good judgment (I never really had any), it’s nice to reel in my Bay Area friends to a less-than-blackjack-odds bet at a 1:1.
And here’s what I got lined up for this week:
Yeah, I wrote that on an envelope. Above it I wrote some schizophrenic note to the politician soliciting my donations saying I would give him the profit. I crossed my index and middle finger as I thought it. Close enough.