Bad Luck : Z’Smashmouths QB Woes Continue

In a shocking decision that left the NFL and fantasy owners stunned, Andrew Luck retired a few hours after VeeJay Boynkins selected him in the Seventh Round at the Annual Fantasy Football Haters Gathering in 2019.

“I heard I got drafted by VeeJay Boynkins. I’m out!”

Z’Smashmouths immediately went into scramble mode and offered the El Paso Roughnecks Dak Prescott, hoping to play on the owner’s well-known homerism, in exchange for Phil Rivers, drafted in Round 12. 

The disparity in value was immediately obvious as Dak was drafted in the 14th round.  Recognizing the intentions of VeeJay Boynkins, owner, GM, and head coach NNS wasted no time in ridiculing the offer and refused to allow his backup quarterback to be the savior of a Hater’s franchise.

“Dodged a bullet. Didn’t want to play in that shit system anyway.”

Little did either owner know that Dak Prescott would go on to be the best quarterback in the National Football League so far in 2019, racking up 40+ fantasy points in each of the first two weeks of the season.  Interestingly, he was spared worse fates suffered by quarterbacks retained by the Z’Smashmouths.

In a hilarious twist of irony, Veejay Boynkins signed Sam Darnold after unceremoniously cutting Dak Prescott (later to be claimed by Congo Natty after Prescott’s absolutely incredible performance in Week 1).

The “Smashies” (as some of their front-running fans call them) then traded Robert Woods and Justice Hill in a package deal for Cam Newton and TY Hilton.

Cam Newton started Week 1  and scored an abysmal 5.36 points.  The fashion icon followed that up by recording 13.32 fantasy points in Week 2.  OUCH!

“Oh shit, I’m starting for the Z’s? Damn, man.”

While all this is going on, Sam Darnold reported to San Leandro to practice with his new team, the Z’Smashmouths.  No one knows exactly what kind of parties he was going to once there but he quickly contracted “infectious mononucleosis”  and is out until Week 5.

Jacoby Brissett was signed as a replacement but dropped for the pass-happy, garbage time specialist Matthew Stafford.

Stafford pasted an underwhelming 14.14 points in a sloppy glue job reminiscent of our kindergarten days in Week 3.

“I don’t care if I look like Haley Joel Osment’s younger brother.”

Who’s next on this shit show musical chairs adventure?  Stafford is the latest to be cursed and he will find out just how the Z’Smashmouth’s Kiss of QB Death will affect him in a matter of days or weeks.

The Roughnecks Return for Fantasy Football 2019

San Jose, California - September 8th, 2019

His trusted mentor and dear friend Jerry Jones looking on with pride, Owner / GM / Head Coach Nico Bandito introduced this year’s Roughnecks to a packed audience at the Casino M8trix seventh floor suite.

The line to enter the Casino M8trix – tickets were rumored to be selling for $350

Only hushed whispers and speculative chatter was heard before the reveal.  The crowd’s reaction rose to a cacophony of excitement as the players came on to the stage to shake hands with their new boss.

El Paso Roughnecks
1. (1) Ezekiel Elliott (Dal – RB)
2. (24) Derrick Henry (Ten – RB)
3. (25) Stefon Diggs (Min – WR)
4. (48) Sterling Shepard (NYG – WR)
5. (49) Alshon Jeffery (Phi – WR)
6. (72) Drew Brees (NO – QB)
7. (73) Marvin Jones Jr. (Det – WR)
8. (96) Austin Hooper (Atl – TE)
9. (97) LeSean McCoy (KC – RB)
10. (120) Jacksonville (Jax – DEF)
11. (121) Adrian Peterson (Was – RB)
12. (144) Philip Rivers (LAC – QB)
13. (145) Jordan Reed (Was – TE)
14. (168) Jimmy Graham (GB – TE)
15. (169) C.J. Anderson (Det – RB)
16. (192) Graham Gano (Car – K)

No Cal Roughnecks
1. (4) DeAndre Hopkins (Hou – WR)
2. (17) Joe Mixon (Cin – RB)
3. (24) Kerryon Johnson (Det – RB)
4. (37) Patrick Mahomes (KC – QB)
5. (44) T.Y. Hilton (Ind – WR)
6. (57) Kenny Golladay (Det – WR)
7. (64) Allen Robinson II (Chi – WR)
8. (77) Jarvis Landry (Cle – WR)
9. (84) Sterling Shepard (NYG – WR)
10. (97) Austin Hooper (Atl – TE)
11. (104) Latavius Murray (NO – RB)
12. (117) Derrius Guice (Was – RB)
13. (124) Kyle Rudolph (Min – TE)
14. (137) Golden Tate (NYG – WR)
15. (144) Dallas (Dal – DEF)

So. Bay Roughnecks
1. (7) Nick Chubb (Cle – RB)
2. (18) Dalvin Cook (Min – RB)
3. (31) Devonta Freeman (Atl – RB)
4. (42) Brandin Cooks (LAR – WR)
5. (55) O.J. Howard (TB – TE)
6. (66) Matt Ryan (Atl – QB)
7. (79) Curtis Samuel (Car – WR)
8. (90) A.J. Green (Cin – WR)
9. (103) Minnesota (Min – DEF)
10. (114) Justin Tucker (Bal – K)
11. (127) Jared Goff (LAR – QB)
12. (138) Rashaad Penny (Sea – RB)
13. (151) Keke Coutee (Hou – WR)
14. (162) Greg Olsen (Car – TE)
15. (175) Justin Jackson (LAC – RB)
16. (186) Denver (Den – DEF)

SJ Roughnecks
1. (4) Christian McCaffrey (Car – RB)
2. (25) Keenan Allen (LAC – WR)
3. (32) Amari Cooper (Dal – WR)
4. (53) Cooper Kupp (LAR – WR)
5. (60) Matt Ryan (Atl – QB)
6. (81) David Njoku (Cle – TE)
7. (88) Latavius Murray (NO – RB)
8. (109) Baltimore (Bal – DEF)
9. (116) Justin Tucker (Bal – K)
10. (137) Darrell Henderson Jr. (LAR – RB)
11. (144) Anthony Miller (Chi – WR)
12. (165) Josh Allen (Buf – QB)
13. (172) Dallas Goedert (Phi – TE)
14. (193) Ronald Jones II (TB – RB)

Sabbatical 2019

After five years of employment, I was granted a 4 week sabbatical to which we can add a certain number of vacation days.  I stretched mine to five weeks and enjoyed it immensely.  Leading up to this, I experienced feelings of inadequacy and believed myself to be under-skilled in my role.  It may be part of a “mid-life” crisis that I think began at the beginning of this year.   I wondered truly if this is what I wanted to be doing with my life, all the while battling addictions to a lifestyle long since left behind.

I needed a break from life and the grind so badly.  During the trip, I resolved to do my best to smile and be kind to those around me and to continue to do so when I returned.

I started off visiting my parents and taking the train from the beautiful downtown Los Angeles Grand Central Station.

I traveled by train and sleeper car (best way to travel IMO) to my hometown, El Paso, Texas, a month before a racist would target my people and murder too many before he was stopped.  Let me tell you, that affected me and made me feel that no matter what we do or how much we could accomplish or contribute to the United States, we’d never be loved or appreciated.

I spent a lot of time with my family there and loved it.  I felt I was where I belonged even though going back permanently is an unlikely nostalgic urge.

After that I went to San Antonio for the first time and stayed in the company of two of my beautiful cousins who graciously hosted and treated me like the utmost welcome visitor.  We went to Paper Tiger and caught some live music by Haunted Like Human and the John Glenn Experiment.

The San Antonio Museum of Art was exhibiting “Men of Steel / Women of Wonder” like they knew I was coming.  As a huge DC Comics fan, I was a Charley Bucket in the Chocolate Factory.  So much to see, so much to wrap my eyes around, and all of it challenged the dominant narrative of what a superhero is and the form they take.

This is when the world wide heatwave of 2019 struck and I had to spend some extended time in my hotel room reading, sleeping, and watching TV.  Didn’t mind a bit.  That’s what vacation is fucking for.

I moved on to Austin and suffered the outdoors just enough to get a taste of the city and live music.

Next was Houston, one of the hottest parts of the trip.  Exploring during the day would have been unbearable so, equipped with a flash on my camera and no fear of the dark, I wandered.  I got to catch my favorite pitcher throw a great game in Minute Maid park.

Originally I had planned to train to New Orleans but the recent flooding and inaccessibility by rail nixed that and I flew to Atlanta, the final destination of my trip.

I loved it.  I caught a ballgame at SunTrust Field and smoked some of the best cigars I’ve ever had in my life.  Visited the MLK Jr. National Historic Park.

Being on the road for a few weeks really made me miss my chosen home of San Jose and I came back happy.  Went and saw a San Jose Earthquakes match and I also ventured to a part of Oakland that I’d never seen and was taken by.

There’s a lot more to say, but this is how I’m going to remember it.

United States 3, South Africa 0

Levi’s Stadium
Santa Clara, CA
May 12th, 2019

After rooting for and watching them win year after year, I finally got my opportunity to see the United States Women’s National Soccer Team live before they head to the World Cup in France. The game was part of the Send Off Series and this was the first one.

‘Reluctance’ would mischaracterize how I felt about going stag to this match, but the feeling was akin to it. Since it was Mother’s Day, my friends had prior commimtments and I had just visited my family in Texas.

I bicycled to Levi Stadium and donned my San Jose Earthquakes t-shirt only to find no one else was repping anything except the Team USA gear. Among a sea of women (and a few male significant others) clad in white jerseys or other patriotic attire, I stuck out a little.

Sure I possibly exacerbated the feeling when I got caught lecherously staring at some fine ass ladies who then avoided eye contact, I admit it.

But  I didn’t allow myself to feel self-conscious and enjoyed the game from start to finish!

The South African team was outmatched. Their opportunities downfield were few and the game was mostly played on their side of the field, with them defending against constant pressure by the US. When they did manage to cross the 50 yard line (what is it called in soccer?), they failed to do much more than take weak shots on goal.

My favorite player, Carli Lloyd, scored the third and last goal by kicking the ball between the legs of the goalie and past another defender. It was pretty awesome.

I was surprised with how much hard contact I saw. With the cameras as far away as they are, it’s hard to appreciate just how physical the women’s game is. An American got her head checked after taking what looked like a shoulder right in her temple and two different South African players required either a stretcher or multiple trainers / doctors.

Holy smokes!  Pay them already!

If You’re Into Jerky and Fish

These dried, little mackerels (I think?) are one of my favorite snacks.  They remind me of the harder parts of a salmon steak in texture, which I love.  Not too salty, I was expecting more of that, and with a teriyaki flavor.


This is something I can only describe as fish bacon roast.  It does not have any fishy taste to it, but not as brittle as bacon nor as dry as jerky.  A perfect in-between.  Same great teriyaki flavor as the mackerels.  All three of them have this and it’s pretty damn good.

Fish jerky for sure.  The equivalent of the moist, boutique premium beef jerkys except made of fish.  The texture reminds me of sashimi.  No fishy taste in this either.  A light teriyaki glaze that doesn’t stay on the fingers.  Very delicious and tasty.

The Other Side of Valentine’s Day

One of my friends from college has struggled to make lasting and meaningful connections with people all her life.  She suffers from loneliness while living out of her car.  She gets passed up for promotions at Wal-Mart, despite having a four year degree and never missing a shift.

Some people get kicked while they’re down and have decades of encumbrances to ensure they never get back up.

For those individuals, Hallmark holidays can put an exclamation mark on what they don’t have.  While the average happy human is flexing their logistical savvy to make Valentine’s Day a perfect experience, others say this:

Just another day, but with more reminders of love all around us, more than usual. Making Valentine’s Day inherently un-usual. And even moreso for those of us who’ve yet to obtain anything even remotely close to love. It rubs it in our faces, like salt to a wound.

Makes us long to feel what love must feel like. A fairytale dream that would be so wonderful, but it never comes true. And just when you think u’re close to obtaining it, your heart gets shattered into a million pieces. As though it’s no big deal, you’ll just get over it. But it is a big deal.

And it just sucks.

I’m glad it’s over.


The Bakersfield Banditos Will Touch Them All in 2019

March 18, 2019 – The Vallco Benihana’s

2019 Bakersfield Banditos

Round Overall Pick Player
1 9 Aaron Judge (NYY – OF)
2 12 Manny Machado (SD – 3B,SS)
3 29 Khris Davis (Oak – OF)
4 32 Cody Bellinger (LAD – 1B,OF)
5 49 Andrew Benintendi  (Bos – OF)
6 52 Lorenzo Cain (Mil – OF)
7 69 Zack Greinke (Ari – SP)
8 72 Blake Treinen (Oak – RP)
9 89 Masahiro Tanaka (NYY – SP)
10 92 Jonathan Villar (Bal – 2B,SS)
11 109 Wil Myers (SD – 3B,OF)
12 112 Dee Gordon (Sea – 2B,SS,OF)
13 129 Edwin Encarnación (Sea – 1B)
14 132 Kyle Hendricks (ChC – SP)
15 149 Eduardo Rodriguez (Bos – SP)
16 152 Yadier Molina (StL – C)
17 169 Tim Anderson (CWS – SS)
18 172 Cody Allen (LAA – RP)
19 189 Max Kepler (Min – OF)
20 192 Justin Smoak (Tor – 1B)
21 209 Adam Eaton (Was – OF)
22 212 Jon Gray (Col – SP)
23 229 Randal Grichuk (Tor – OF)
24 232 Marcus Semien (Oak – SS)
25 249 Shohei Ohtani (Pitcher) (LAA – SP)

Very Thankful

I have my health, my family, my friends, and everything I’ve ever wanted.

I have a tailor-made lifestyle I spent a long time figuring out.  It’s not healthy and I’m not reliable, but I’m not in jail and I’m not dead.

Every challenge has made me better.  Or worse in bizarre, humbling ways.

And while the pursuit of purpose or meaning in life is absurd, it is beautiful that we spend our lives finding it.