Gambling Is Fun 2020 – Week 1

I’ve got more than a hundred dollars spread out between multiple friends on whether the Cowboys have a better record than the Niners.  After being so often accused of letting my Texas-based homerism / bias overwhelm good judgment (I never really had any), it’s nice to reel in my Bay Area friends to a less-than-blackjack-odds bet at a 1:1.

And here’s what I got lined up for this week:

Yeah, I wrote that on an envelope.  Above it I wrote some schizophrenic note to the politician soliciting my donations saying I would give him the profit.  I crossed my index and middle finger as I thought it.  Close enough.

The Roughnecks Bodyslam the Haters in Week 3.

BIG TIME UPSET FOR A BIG TIME HATER

The Jacksonville Defense, drafted in the 10th round, started things right by allowing Derrick Henry to be the only offensive player with any significant contribution against them in Week 3, a Thursday night game no less.

What followed can be described as either “old NFL players demonstrating experience over speculatively incorrect fantasy talent assessment” or “NRM getting beat by a few players deemed inconsequential yet victorious.”

Patrick Mahones, gamed into a 10th round pick by the Commissioner, could not elevate the mediocre production by the rest of his team.  With only four other positions breaking into double-digits, NRM was yielding by halftime of the afternoon games.

Not many rule changes could have altered the outcome in a favorable way for the franchise in Ben LaBron, but don’t doubt that they’re in consideration.

This places a few questions on the table of discussion.  Has the magic touch faded for NRM?  2018’s Champion has to be looking in the mirror while the coaching community wonders, “Should we ever listen to any Vain In Vain unsolicited analysis in 2019?”

WTFBBQPWN’D BY THE ROUGHNECKS WHAAAAAAAT!?

Bad Luck : Z’Smashmouths QB Woes Continue

In a shocking decision that left the NFL and fantasy owners stunned, Andrew Luck retired a few hours after VeeJay Boynkins selected him in the Seventh Round at the Annual Fantasy Football Haters Gathering in 2019.

“I heard I got drafted by VeeJay Boynkins. I’m out!”

Z’Smashmouths immediately went into scramble mode and offered the El Paso Roughnecks Dak Prescott, hoping to play on the owner’s well-known homerism, in exchange for Phil Rivers, drafted in Round 12. 

The disparity in value was immediately obvious as Dak was drafted in the 14th round.  Recognizing the intentions of VeeJay Boynkins, owner, GM, and head coach NNS wasted no time in ridiculing the offer and refused to allow his backup quarterback to be the savior of a Hater’s franchise.

“Dodged a bullet. Didn’t want to play in that shit system anyway.”

Little did either owner know that Dak Prescott would go on to be the best quarterback in the National Football League so far in 2019, racking up 40+ fantasy points in each of the first two weeks of the season.  Interestingly, he was spared worse fates suffered by quarterbacks retained by the Z’Smashmouths.

In a hilarious twist of irony, Veejay Boynkins signed Sam Darnold after unceremoniously cutting Dak Prescott (later to be claimed by Congo Natty after Prescott’s absolutely incredible performance in Week 1).

The “Smashies” (as some of their front-running fans call them) then traded Robert Woods and Justice Hill in a package deal for Cam Newton and TY Hilton.

Cam Newton started Week 1  and scored an abysmal 5.36 points.  The fashion icon followed that up by recording 13.32 fantasy points in Week 2.  OUCH!

“Oh shit, I’m starting for the Z’s? Damn, man.”

While all this is going on, Sam Darnold reported to San Leandro to practice with his new team, the Z’Smashmouths.  No one knows exactly what kind of parties he was going to once there but he quickly contracted “infectious mononucleosis”  and is out until Week 5.

Jacoby Brissett was signed as a replacement but dropped for the pass-happy, garbage time specialist Matthew Stafford.

Stafford pasted an underwhelming 14.14 points in a sloppy glue job reminiscent of our kindergarten days in Week 3.

“I don’t care if I look like Haley Joel Osment’s younger brother.”

Who’s next on this shit show musical chairs adventure?  Stafford is the latest to be cursed and he will find out just how the Z’Smashmouth’s Kiss of QB Death will affect him in a matter of days or weeks.

The Roughnecks Return for Fantasy Football 2019

San Jose, California - September 8th, 2019

His trusted mentor and dear friend Jerry Jones looking on with pride, Owner / GM / Head Coach Nico Bandito introduced this year’s Roughnecks to a packed audience at the Casino M8trix seventh floor suite.

The line to enter the Casino M8trix – tickets were rumored to be selling for $350

Only hushed whispers and speculative chatter was heard before the reveal.  The crowd’s reaction rose to a cacophony of excitement as the players came on to the stage to shake hands with their new boss.

El Paso Roughnecks
1. (1) Ezekiel Elliott (Dal – RB)
2. (24) Derrick Henry (Ten – RB)
3. (25) Stefon Diggs (Min – WR)
4. (48) Sterling Shepard (NYG – WR)
5. (49) Alshon Jeffery (Phi – WR)
6. (72) Drew Brees (NO – QB)
7. (73) Marvin Jones Jr. (Det – WR)
8. (96) Austin Hooper (Atl – TE)
9. (97) LeSean McCoy (KC – RB)
10. (120) Jacksonville (Jax – DEF)
11. (121) Adrian Peterson (Was – RB)
12. (144) Philip Rivers (LAC – QB)
13. (145) Jordan Reed (Was – TE)
14. (168) Jimmy Graham (GB – TE)
15. (169) C.J. Anderson (Det – RB)
16. (192) Graham Gano (Car – K)

No Cal Roughnecks
1. (4) DeAndre Hopkins (Hou – WR)
2. (17) Joe Mixon (Cin – RB)
3. (24) Kerryon Johnson (Det – RB)
4. (37) Patrick Mahomes (KC – QB)
5. (44) T.Y. Hilton (Ind – WR)
6. (57) Kenny Golladay (Det – WR)
7. (64) Allen Robinson II (Chi – WR)
8. (77) Jarvis Landry (Cle – WR)
9. (84) Sterling Shepard (NYG – WR)
10. (97) Austin Hooper (Atl – TE)
11. (104) Latavius Murray (NO – RB)
12. (117) Derrius Guice (Was – RB)
13. (124) Kyle Rudolph (Min – TE)
14. (137) Golden Tate (NYG – WR)
15. (144) Dallas (Dal – DEF)

So. Bay Roughnecks
1. (7) Nick Chubb (Cle – RB)
2. (18) Dalvin Cook (Min – RB)
3. (31) Devonta Freeman (Atl – RB)
4. (42) Brandin Cooks (LAR – WR)
5. (55) O.J. Howard (TB – TE)
6. (66) Matt Ryan (Atl – QB)
7. (79) Curtis Samuel (Car – WR)
8. (90) A.J. Green (Cin – WR)
9. (103) Minnesota (Min – DEF)
10. (114) Justin Tucker (Bal – K)
11. (127) Jared Goff (LAR – QB)
12. (138) Rashaad Penny (Sea – RB)
13. (151) Keke Coutee (Hou – WR)
14. (162) Greg Olsen (Car – TE)
15. (175) Justin Jackson (LAC – RB)
16. (186) Denver (Den – DEF)

SJ Roughnecks
1. (4) Christian McCaffrey (Car – RB)
2. (25) Keenan Allen (LAC – WR)
3. (32) Amari Cooper (Dal – WR)
4. (53) Cooper Kupp (LAR – WR)
5. (60) Matt Ryan (Atl – QB)
6. (81) David Njoku (Cle – TE)
7. (88) Latavius Murray (NO – RB)
8. (109) Baltimore (Bal – DEF)
9. (116) Justin Tucker (Bal – K)
10. (137) Darrell Henderson Jr. (LAR – RB)
11. (144) Anthony Miller (Chi – WR)
12. (165) Josh Allen (Buf – QB)
13. (172) Dallas Goedert (Phi – TE)
14. (193) Ronald Jones II (TB – RB)

The Bakersfield Banditos Will Touch Them All in 2019

March 18, 2019 – The Vallco Benihana’s

2019 Bakersfield Banditos

Round Overall Pick Player
1 9 Aaron Judge (NYY – OF)
2 12 Manny Machado (SD – 3B,SS)
3 29 Khris Davis (Oak – OF)
4 32 Cody Bellinger (LAD – 1B,OF)
5 49 Andrew Benintendi  (Bos – OF)
6 52 Lorenzo Cain (Mil – OF)
7 69 Zack Greinke (Ari – SP)
8 72 Blake Treinen (Oak – RP)
9 89 Masahiro Tanaka (NYY – SP)
10 92 Jonathan Villar (Bal – 2B,SS)
11 109 Wil Myers (SD – 3B,OF)
12 112 Dee Gordon (Sea – 2B,SS,OF)
13 129 Edwin Encarnación (Sea – 1B)
14 132 Kyle Hendricks (ChC – SP)
15 149 Eduardo Rodriguez (Bos – SP)
16 152 Yadier Molina (StL – C)
17 169 Tim Anderson (CWS – SS)
18 172 Cody Allen (LAA – RP)
19 189 Max Kepler (Min – OF)
20 192 Justin Smoak (Tor – 1B)
21 209 Adam Eaton (Was – OF)
22 212 Jon Gray (Col – SP)
23 229 Randal Grichuk (Tor – OF)
24 232 Marcus Semien (Oak – SS)
25 249 Shohei Ohtani (Pitcher) (LAA – SP)

The Roughnecks Kick Off 2016

September 11th, 2016 - Somewhere in San Jose or Texas

The Roughnecks organization, with half a dozen franchises scattered throughout the southwestern part of the United States of America, has deployed standard pressurization wells across the gridiron.

Owner Nico Lopez stated flatly, “We’re going to win.  And we’re going to win big.  Every week.  The whole game.  Ever fucking second.”  Friend and informal family member, Jerry Jones, beamed with pride as he looked on the thirty-something protege.