JJ FATT’S STONE COLD LOCK – Brazzaville
Brazzaville Congo Natty @ Jake & Elwood Blues
(1:00 PM PST Sunday, FOX)
BCN by 15
Clearly far and away the best team in the league with nothing to hold them back from winning out except injury, the CNats are looking to blow away any team that can’t post 150+ points a week. Led by the Cowboys QB Dak Freaking Prescott, the Natties offense has as many options as the United States military has weapons. We already hear the “We Are The Champions” song by Queen being played during practice. For the Blues Bros., a disappointing loss last week was highlighted by Kittle’s lower-than-expected targets and we could see that trend persist in the Niners 2-QB offense. With more favorable opponents for key players, this could be closer than the line suggests. Expect an exciting Sunday with lots of discipline at Saint Helen of the Blessed Shroud Orphanage.
Sweet Baby Jesus @ Kali Kine
(1:00 PM PST Sunday, CBS)
Kali Kine by 3
Herb’s Forest welcomes a motley crew of Disciples with no word of any Judas brother in their midst. Will Peter, aka Derek Henry, or Paul, given name Travis Kelce, burn this protected land down? Justin Herbert received some good news when DeMarcus Lawrence of the Dallas Cowboys defensive line broke his foot in practice but will still have to contend with limited possession time. The Kine’s wide receivers are going to score more than their projections most likely and their RBs should see plenty of carries and opportunities to score. SBJ just barely broke the century mark last week with some piss poor choices and the retention of the KC defense inspires little faith in their decision making going forward. One more nail in the cross awaits them this week is the final verdict from this Pointus Pilate.
Miki’s Mokes @ Z’Smashmouths
(4:00 PM PST Sunday, TUDN)
Our second broadcast en Espanol, graciously provided by our compas at Telemundo, features two teams that snagged wins in their first games.
With the loss of Jeudy, the Mokes are starting to dig into their depth and their matchups aren’t as favorable as the Z’Smashmouths’. The Packers offense is going to absolutely roll over the Detroit Lions and we could see their starters pulled early for the second game in a row but for a completely different reason. The strength of the Mokes RB core will have to pull this out as the Smashmouths look far better at WR. Will the home crowd play a role in this? Sources in Z Land say that fans are confused by the multiple name changes of their team and are sad because they already donated their old jerseys. Hometown resentment could lead to empty stands. We’ll see on Sunday.
Big Lunch @ Blind Squirrels
(4:00 PM PST Sunday, MTV2)
Squirrels by 2
In order to reach a younger audience and generate interest in fantasy football, the league has slated a game on MTV2 and will be called by Jersey Shore alums Snookie and JWoww. What the two ladies of reality TV will see and do their best to describe will be a Squirrels offense with better matchups and point potential at multiple impact positions. Russell Wilson needs to slap on the apron again and roast that weak Titans defense for Big Lunch to compete and hope his receivers have a better day than last Sunday. But with the hometown “Nutjobs” making noise in “The Big Oak” up in Bend, Oregon, they should get a treat, or acorn in this case.
NINERS R METAL @ Just Win Baby
(7:15 PM PST Sunday, KOFY 20)
NRM by 4
This game was flexed to the evening game after being originally scheduled to take place in London. League officials recognized that the number two and number three teams in the league would be taking each other on and immediately had those boats in the Atlantic Ocean turn around. Since the return trip will not be able to disembark on land in time, we shall see our first ever game on an aircraft carrier that was detoured from its service off the western coasts of Africa.
There’s a reason why the Metalheads are stoked on their team and it’s because they are stacked from top to bottom with points machines at their skill positions. Their receivers are all top 10 and their RBs should roll through any defense the JWBs can place in front of them. Joe’s offense has some favorable matchups but there is absolutely no way Brady overcomes the talent deficit or finds the endzone often enough. Good luck though, we’d love to be wrong because NRM may only see problems winning this year against the Indomnible CNats.
El Paso Roughnecks @ Land Urchins
(6:00 PM PST Monday, Twitch TV)
Roughnecks by 8
Posting the lowest score of the young season, the Land Urchins surprisingly were unphased and didn’t feel the need to make many moves. The “Suck My Ditka” league front office has already deployed the Failure Patrol to pressure and intimidate Land Urchin management into improving their effort or face multiple degrading, belittling, dangerous, or mean-spirited punishments like standing on a freeway median with signs saying “I Hate Nicos”.
The blowout potential in this one prompted the league to broadcast this matchup on a streaming platform but viewers may think they’re watching an old school Tecmo bowl game and not a serious competition. A hometown crowd at Hedgehog Row, with mascot Sonic leading them on, will see their team for the first time and could provide enough spark to start a fire but that remains to be seen. Bettors should only realistically consider the Urchins once they break 100 points for the first time in their existence.